I’m still here.

22 02 2022

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything other than necessary emails let alone post on this blog. There have been a number of difficult life events and situations I’ve had to deal with and none of it is/was anything I want to write about. Life has been more challenging and difficult even before the pandemic and it’s insanity.

The cattails are still in the corner and doing very well for all that the shouldn’t be growing there in the first place. They live in the corner of two tall concrete walls with asphalt at the bases with only a crack for the cattails. It’s always wet there, the hill I live on has natural springs all along the length for about 4 and a half miles running north to south. It was part of the western shore of the ancient Lake Chicago.

The hill at the point where I reside is steep for the area, some of the other east-west streets have a steeper incline further north and south of here but it’s still steep enough that it is sometimes difficult in bad weather, especially in winter, even in good weather the odd 18-wheeler will have trouble going uphill if they didn’t get enough of a start below the hill. The alley access to the place I live is even steeper and there is no plowing or salting unlike the main street in front of the building so getting in and out is either difficult or impossible depending on conditions – even with a four-wheel drive vehicle (which I have). Once it snows there are always people who get stuck on the alley hill, doesn’t matter if they’re going up or down. The new people on the hill will sometimes back down while the weather is good and the hill clear of snow or ice, they only do that once after it’s slippery and it get very slippery. Many of the residents will just park either above or below the hill on a side street and walk down on the front sidewalk if they have no problems walking. For a person who has difficulty walking on a flat surface the hill is impossible in bad weather and very difficult when clear and dry. I spend the bad weather pretty much stuck and unable to get out – thank goodness for stores that deliver groceries and good neighbors who will pick up things occasionally while they’re out anyway. I am hoping to relocate come spring, a house preferably in a small town south of where I am at present, and most definitely NOT on a hill ever again.

I can’t promise regular posts, other than I will try. Thank you to everyone who follows me and I apologize for the long silences.





Please Read

10 06 2018

Please read this article by Roberta Estes.  

If you or anyone you know is dealing with depression or thoughts of suicide, this is important. Roberta has been there, she is not a medical or mental health professional, simply a person who had dealt with the realities of these issues.





A New Year

6 01 2018

I am glad 2017 is gone. It was another year of huge losses, frustration and promises by others unkept. I’ve done my part, tried to secure employment which didn’t happen (it seems that my age and appearance are a major factor, which, as I see it, shouldn’t matter a damn), lost everything in the storage units (which included family heirlooms, household goods, my library – everything) and am still without any kind of medical or dental care or income – such fun.

I am still in temporary quarters, preparing to move to more temporary quarters downstairs when the apartment is ready. I was told at the beginning of 2017 that we would be in a house, permanently, before the middle of the year – didn’t happen. Not because I didn’t work toward it, I did, it wasn’t something that I really had any kind of influence over in the first place, all of it was in the hands of other people.

I don’t think it’s easy for others to understand that when a person is physically disabled, they lose a lot of their autonomy, they are overlooked, ignored, passed over regardless of their education, gifts, skills or whatever, they’re “different”. Things have gotten better generally for physically disabled people but there are still a lot of jobs that are simply beyond my physical abilities and there doesn’t seem to be a point to trying to get a job it is not possible for me to do physically. I had an acquaintance tell me that I should volunteer at a soup kitchen, which I wouldn’t mind, but the staff said when I called to ask about it that there wouldn’t be much point, I’d have to be able to stand for at least a couple of hours (not something I can do, no matter how much I might want to). Should I even mention trying the “work-at-home” scams? I tried the transcription thing but it certainly wasn’t something that would afford a viable income, not even “pin-money”. The audio was generally wretchedly unintelligible, and there was a lot of jargon and crosstalk, it took 5 hours to “earn” $1.86.  I type fast enough, it just wasn’t possible to understand enough of what was said to transcribe it.

However, I’m investigating some other options, there’s got to be something that will generate an income and that is within my physical limitations. I’m hoping that 2018 will see us in a house, permanently. I’m deeply grateful for the temporary quarters, I can’t say I even want to think about where I and my spouse would’ve been otherwise. We’ve had food, heat and electricity, a functional bathroom, a place to sleep and keep what possessions we’ve got left, a place for our elderly dog, a way to cook and wash dishes and laundry, great blessings indeed. So maybe 2018 will be better all around.

 

 

 





Good Riddance 2016!!!!

31 12 2016

I, for one, am relieved to have 2016 at an end. I have learned a lot, some of it interesting (mostly the genealogy progress), but most of it unpleasant at the very least. I learned that I can not even turn to my blood relatives, family, for aid. I was not asking for more than a small loan, a hand up to get myself a way to earn some kind of income. I was told, basically, to go away, get on public aid and leave them alone. Why anyone would want to sell themselves in that particular slavery I don’t know. I had to deal with it while the step kids were growing up and it was a misery every minute we were on it. I succeeded in removing myself from that and had hoped to make a passable living, I didn’t expect to get rich, just have what I needed to have my home and the other necessities of life. The response was cold, lecturing me to be “responsible”, something that anyone who really knows me would find odd as I have been told on more than one occasion that I am responsible to a fault, and walk away from everything that means something to me because it costs money. Well, the logical argument then becomes, if it costs money, then pretty much everything is not worth anyone’s bother. Evidently the money part is what hits them hardest. I was not asking for a gift, I was requesting a small loan ($1,000.00). I explained my thinking and plan but was told that it would be “too hard”. I almost decided to copy that missive from the great and powerful family but changed my mind. Am I angry? You better f**king believe it! Am I hurt? Damned right I am!

Do any of you have items from your ancestors that are precious? Things, physical objects that are irreplaceable? Well, I do and I certainly have no intention of walking away and losing them if I can find a way to prevent that. I found something that I am physically capable of doing, I was asking for help to get what I needed to start, a hand up, a way to earn a living. Would it be “hard”, of course, on some days very hard on others not at all, but most jobs fall into that kind of sphere. Do I have the right to ask blood relatives for assistance? I thought so, evidently not. The response was so cold, so dismissive, like I was the most embarrassing thing to them that they could imagine. The thought that they might have to face a reality other than their own insular little place must have been too much for them. Strange, after all the help, of all kinds, provided by my parents and myself to them when they were in need. I wasn’t asking to be supported for any space of time, wasn’t asking to move in with any of them (a thought that nauseates me), wasn’t asking to have any long term commitment from them. I’m just disgusted by them all. I’ve researched the ancestors, read of the way they helped and supported each other, physically, emotionally and financially, taking in aunts or uncles, children from family members who were too ill to care for them, the things families used to do without much discussion. It was family, that was enough.

I suppose that I should not post this, however, I promised myself to be honest here on the blog. I don’t name names, I write under a pseudonym because my spouse insisted. But the facts are the truth, my response is honest. Maybe my rants will help someone else along the way, they certainly help me. I’ve had more loving, caring response from my fellow bloggers than from my own family, for which I am grateful beyond words, for their kindness and moral support.

I want to support myself, I want to keep what’s mine, those irreplaceable physical items that mean so much, the ones that remind me of the person every time I see or touch them, the ones that carry the love they bore me. I suppose in some ways I’m tied to the physical in ways that many people can’t understand, but that is how I am. It gives me great joy to hold or touch an object my mother used almost daily in the kitchen, or a tool my father used in his work, a small table of my maternal grandmother’s, nothing great and expensive, simple daily items I’ve lived with all my life that keep the spirit of those people closest to me near by.

I am hoping and praying that 2017 will be the complete opposite of this past wretched year and I don’t even include any of the more obvious events in the world in that wretched.

I wish all of you, my readers, a Most Wonderful New Year, filled with health, prosperity, blessings, joy and hope.





Meditatio CCIXVI

2 01 2014

Into thine soft encompassing arms,

O Angel of Death,

Falls my soul.

Released from this veil of tears,

Sweet deliverer,

To peace.

No more the trials and tribulations,

Messenger of God,

Of this mortal coil.

Grant those I love the comfort,

Gentle escort,

Of His love, and mine.

As another said, “I go quietly into this dark night,”

But only briefly,

For all those who have gone before await.

And we shall all watch over you,

Angels known by name and love,

With you through eternity.